Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
