Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
