hotel room ftw
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
