I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You've changed since you got that strap on
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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