i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
