if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
