i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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