Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
