Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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