1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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