i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
