I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
