this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
