i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
