I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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