Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
