My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
