Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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