dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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