they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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