In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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