I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
