Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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