I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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