You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
