upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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