I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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