Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
