Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
