Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
