Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
