also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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