Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't deserve a penis
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
