my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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