I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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