I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
