So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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