Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
