I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
