1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
