highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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