And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
where are you?
Hypothermia
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
