Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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