Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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