I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
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I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
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I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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