if you like me you must not know who I am
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
this is an emotional support booty call
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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