I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
