Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
