my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
