he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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