The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
