Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
