I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
