can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
