clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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