I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
